He Is, and He Isn't
by Fire in the hole
Summary: He isn't so bad. At least, not as he once was.


_Just a little something to get these rusty brain cells working... Care to add me on LJ? I'm **ferrywoman** over there. :)  
_

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He isn't so bad. At least, not as he once was.

He used to be a cruel stealthy demon with no regard for life except his. He was an excellent thief and took pride in the fear that others felt for him. He understood perfectly; he was not one to care how many lives he slew to get his treasures, and so few people dared cross him. There were countless tales of his killing sprees -- how the corners of his mouth would curve into an evil smirk as the anguished screams of pain and the desperate pleas of his victims echoed through the night; how, with an easy flick of a wrist, his victim's bloody head would roll off, separated from the body; how, despite his usual deadpanned expression, his eyes would glint maliciously at the sight of brilliant blood, licking his lips eagerly and sniffing the heady metallic scent of the thick liquid.

He fascinates her.

She doesn't understand how he could have gone from a vicious rogue to a gentleman. She has witnessed enough of his horrific escapades to be afraid of him, and personally knows that he's as heartless as the legends deem him to be. At one point, she has had to stop counting how many souls she ferried that were a victim of the bloodthirsty Youko Kurama. She hated him for being merciless. And to be perfectly honest, she's never really believed that people can change their ways in such a short amount of time. And fifteen years is too short for a former demon to reform, to start a new life as a human. Youko Kurama being reborn doesn't mean that he has shed his ruthless personality. She figured it was only going to be a matter of time before he started slaying again.

It isn't until a few months later that it dawned on her how wrong she had been to judge him.

Ever since she encountered his human form, saw how he values his human mother deeply, and realized how very human he has become, she has frequently thought how hard it must be for him to make amends with his past atrocities as a demon. She has often caught the flashes of guilt on his face but never says anything. That he understands that at some point in time in the past, his mother could have easily been one of his victims sickens him and eats at his conscience. That, to her, is proof enough of his humanity.

His is a scarred soul.

When she looks at him now, she sees a torn and tired man who has lived too long, and has done and seen many things. He may not look like he cares, but his eyes often belie his words. His boyish grins and easy smiles cannot hide the fact that among the small group of Human World saviors, he's the one who knows death the most. He has seen -- _been_ –death once.

The thought never fails to draw a sardonic chuckle and a pang of guilt out of her. After all, if there's anybody in the team who can understand Kurama on _being_ death, it should be her. Death is in her job description. But she has never offered a lending ear nor a crying shoulder (not that she expects the legendary demon to cry) to him, or at least try to talk with him outside the job, and she finds herself at fault for the figurative distance between them. She has never taken a step to be close to him, to be a friend, to get past the physical attraction she feels and look at him…_really_ look at him. All these despite his gallant efforts to save her during missions, or engage her in simple conversations, or even just sit close to her during idle moments.

She always watches him with mixed emotions. She notes his every move, his every word. His very presence confuses her sometimes, especially when he catches her gazing at him at the corner of her eye. What makes him so different from the others? What makes him so very fascinating to her? The most obvious and available answer is his whole being, a demon soul in a human body, but she's certain it's not just the reason why he has caught her normally fickle attention.

She reckons she can never fully understand what he _was_, but she can try to understand what he _is_ – a demon, a human, a boy, a man, a son, a hero, a friend…all that Kurama is, she wants to find out. All that Kurama was, had been, _is_, – from his smile, to his voice, to his mysterious personality -- she resolves to accept. Because even though it has taken her months to figure it out, and even though she knows she can't make up for lost time, she knows deep in her heart that there's more to him than meets the eye.

And that, really, he isn't so bad.


End file.
